The Seventeenth Sunday after Pentecost (RCL, Year A, Proper 18)
September 7, 2008
Brock Hanson & Nadine Hathaway
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When a Member of the Church Sins Against You Brock Hansen
Good morning, I’m Brock Hansen. On behalf of myself and my fellow co-directors of Christian Education, Don Lipscomb, Heather Powers, and Nadine
Hathaway I want to welcome you to the start of our Christian Education Year.
We are all profoundly grateful for all the volunteer teachers and supporters, who, with the help of clergy and staff, have come together for yet
another beginning.
In the Christian Ed tradition of looking for connections between our life experiences and the teachings of our church, we are presented with this
morning’s Gospel passage from Matthew.
It begins “When a member of the church sins against you…”
My response to this first phrase was to ask myself whether I have experienced members of my church sinning against me. For a definition of “sin” I
started running through the ten commandments. So far, I have not been killed, robbed, or adulterated. And if anyone covets my ass, that is really
more their problem than mine.
But I paused when I got to “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”
It occurred to me that this is the sin I have seen and experienced most in my communal life. I am not referring to giving false testimony under
oath, but of the more common habit of formulating assumptions about the behavior and motivations of another person and then talking to friends
and acquaintances about these assumptions as if they were facts.
One the one hand, there have been really very few times that I have been a victim of this sin. I do remember fairly vividly when I was a member
of the vestry that called Paul to be our rector. I knew how hard and sincerely we had worked at an open discernment process and was shocked when
I heard the rumor that some asserted we had had a secret agenda all along. This “false witness” hurt me, making me feel alienated for a little
while from some parts of my community.
On the other hand, there are many times when I have been guilty of this sin against another.
I realized years ago how much of my image of others is my own creation. I often have very little direct information about their lives and
experiences, so I fill in the gaps with assumptions about them and their motivations. If I feel threatened or neglected by someone, the
assumptions I use are often less than charitable. Most of the time, this imaging goes on in my own head – privately. But sometimes, too often,
I share my assumptions with others as if they were facts.
And I know that I am not the only one who does this. There have been many times when I have silently witnessed this sin against another without
challenging it.
This habit of creating and sharing casual assumptions is dangerous. Casual misinformation can slip easily into poisonous slander that is toxic
not only to the individual, but to the community. Bearing false witness can divide a group - polarize and poison it.
Why do we do this? Why do we sin in this way?
I think it has something to do with our need to belong. Being included as member of a community – perceived as such within our own hearts and by
others - is a vital human need. If you believe James Weldon Johnson’s view of the creation in his great poem, “God’s Trombones,” even God needs
community, and created man to ease his own loneliness.
Belonging is so important that any threat to it is easily perceived as a personal threat, a survival thing. And we often react to this kind of
threat by creating an image of the other as someone who doesn’t belong, creating a boundary that defines me as a safe “insider.” When being an
insider is crucial, creating outsiders can be a strong temptation, almost instinctive.
To resist this temptation and accept, respect, listen to, and really know one another despite our differences, we need to neutralize these self
defensive emotional habits…
This is not instinctive. This is the art of love and justice. And it requires practice.
In the Gospel passage Matthew has a prescription for healing the wounds of threatened or damaged relationship. It has similarities to the Ground
Rules outlined by Harriet Lewis at Shrine Mont in her communications training for sensitive exploration of racial wounds and reconciliation. Those
of you who were not at Shrine Mont will have a chance to hear more about this next week, with more to follow.
Matthew suggests a private conversation first; it’s less threatening than public confrontation. “Leave your assumptions at the door,” Harriet would add.
If that fails one or two objective mediators can sometimes help both parties see outside their boxes.
But if honest witnesses fail to resolve the conflict, the whole church must become involved, because an open discussion of differences is less
poisonous to the community than a whispering campaign in which factions grow like mold in the dark.
What does all this have to do with Christian Education, you may be asking yourself?
Here is the connection I see. Matthew has a prescription and St. Mark’s has a discipline, designed by a man named Charles Penniman. That discipline
has been part of what we practice in our Christian Education Classes for almost fifty years.
One of the principal considerations in planning any class at St. Mark’s is to provide an emotionally safe place for a small group of children, teens,
or adults to explore their own personal stories, looking for the meaning of life from the inside. A sense of protected belonging is essential if we
are going to talk openly about tough questions. To the extent that we can provide a safe place for such exploration, we can reduce the need for
members of the class to look for individual safety in false righteousness or social competition. This can free us to engage with others sincerely
and humbly in our shared quest for meaning.
When I began taking classes at St. Mark’s I was delighted to discover how the structured small group experience facilitated both a sense of belonging
and the exploration of important questions. Attention to the rules that promote respect, acceptance, and belonging are key to our shared educational
process.
Within the protective discipline of the classes I took, and with the example of the leaders and other members, I was encouraged to tell the stories
of my own struggles and doubts as honestly as I could, and to listen to others tell theirs. The gaps in my information about other people were
filled partly by the truths I heard in their stories, and by an enduring element called trust.
Not everyone felt bonded by the trust. Some were honest enough to say so. But for me, those classes drew me into a St. Mark’s that has satisfied my
need for belonging more than any community I have ever known.
Then, when we read the stories of men and women who lived in different times and places with different customs, stories written with unfamiliar phrases,
it was easier to see how much we have in common with them. And when we came up against difficult questions, it was easier – in the safety of the class
– not to know the answer.
But no matter how skillfully we try to create such a safe place, we cannot eliminate all habits of self protection. There will always be times when we
wade beyond the depth of our trust into difficult questions and ask others to wade with us, bumping up against our differences and our own needs and
temptations.
When, at such times, we sin, we need the help of our community, working with structures suggested by Matthew or Harriet Lewis, or Charles Penniman to
help us bolster our trust, transcend temptation, and practice the art of love and justice.
Nadine Hathaway
This summer I attended the Guild for Psychological Studies in California.
I have been there a number of times before and found a good community of people there who are thoughtful and fun.
This time, there was a group of 20 who we met before entering the grounds – circulating between old friends and new acquaintances. I was moving
between teachers and friends when I introduced myself to a woman (I’ll call Irene)who I didn’t know. After a few sentences, she pulled way back.
Oh – oops. This seemed odd, but the behavior continued and actually became worse. – During the next two days Irene excluded me from conversations
through her body language and looked at her lap or moved away in mid-sentence.
I was surprised – and hurt by this. I feared that the seminar might feel awkward. Gosh, one down and 19 to go I thought. There was some pain at
the immediate rejection; some questioning about what I could have done better or differently; and some pique. So I decided I would just pull
back – I’d steer clear for a while. Perhaps because of the nature of the seminar or the confined environment, I took more time to reflect on this
than I would do ordinarily.
I did tell one friend who’s a good listener, mulled it over, and then I made the decision to refocus so I wouldn’t loose another minute of my
time in California. Actually I turned the corner to enjoy the community and the seminar. It felt good to “let it go” so completely that I was
surprised during the second week, when Irene came straight up to me and said: “I have just become aware that I have cut you off! And I said –
yea, you have, resentment gone. She went on to say twice – “It has nothing to do with you” – and I said – I know. This exchange felt right but
incomplete.
Irene sought me out the next day – to say – I want to say that I’ve been thinking about this – and it really has nothing to do with you – and
I said sincerely, “when I am very critical of someone who I don’t know, I know it has to do with me – not them.” She told me that she had
assumed that I was a CE Director and had a problem with Religious Educators in churches! hmmmm
Irene went on to talk about the problem she had with her students at the Seminary– and how she was just beginning to get that she was very critical
of those who didn’t appeal to her. I joined her in saying that I had had to confront that issue when I was a school teacher and didn’t like a
particular student – and it had really been my issue to solve. With this, there was a shift – we talked for quite a while, looking deeply at
attitude and the behavior that got in our way.
This encounter became a gift –
But rarely do I take the opportunity to stay with it to come full circle.
Someone comes to you and says you have sinned against them – Some of teachers at the Guild offer another meaning than missing the mark - They suggest
that sinning means - “does not come into relationship”. How does it change the meaning/significance if someone in your chosen community says: “you
are not in relationship with me…” Although I’m sometimes afraid to take the risk, I can say that my life at St. Mark’s empowers me to do just
that. But this idea of “Making relationship with the other” can be academic until there’s an incident. I discovered that I can see myself more
clearly when I stop “projecting back” – when I decide that there is more to learn.
In my long life at St. Mark’s, I’ve learned in many ways but in particular as a student – the necessity of facing the emotional journey – and
recognizing the steps (stages)
as a teacher, I learned to listen – really listen – to get out of the way
as a co-teacher - I have enjoyed a meaningful comradery and compromise
St. Mark’s and CH ED prepared me to face the situation with Irene and know that it’s not only possible, but truly worth doing.
Irene may not be my permanent friend, but she is my partner walking the spiritual walk. When we parted at the end, she gave me a hug and asked me
if I would send her our curriculum.
Recently I read “A New Earth – Awakening To Your Life’s Purpose” by Eckhart Tolle who writes how our own awakening makes change possible for
others. Three points struck me. He writes:
Be in the now, not locked in the past or future reality
With my sisters I had to stop dragging stuff into it and let go, before we could become great friends again. He says
Get your ego out of the center of everything
Actually stepping aside to observe and get conscious of what pushes me
Recognizing extra tension that’s an old habit, meditation has become my daily antidote
And the third point is
Remember, we don’t have a lock on truth
I love it when I can ask? “Oh is that what you saw, meant, what was going on” – It’s ok to be unsure of oneself
Tolle writes: “when you confuse patterns in others – condemn them, and see yourself as superior, the “otherness” has become magnified to such an
extent you can no longer feel your common humanity nor the rootedness in the one life that you share with each human being – your common divinity.”
This year our Christian Education Focus "Seeking new life through our stories -- transforming our relationships within the world."
Came out of our questions about what we need to share of our lives in this community; and how our classes could complement parish priorities…
We asked ourselves how the telling would change how we act in the world. Where do we really tell our story – or are we repeating the one we’ve told
for years? (you know, phoning it in)
I invite you to discover your unsolved story whether you’re 30 or 53 or 66 –
And we discussed how we reshape our part of the world on a daily basis
We invite you to work with us so that there is no mindless or permanent otherness.
Mary Oliver often writes in her poetry about moving beyond and creating anew - She calls it: recreating who I am and in that way, recreating the
world – (Ready?)
